even a thousand "u will" can never cure me now.....
A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.
Abraham Cowley
My love is of a birth as rare
As ‘tis for object strange and high:
It was begotten by Despair
Upon Impossibility.
Andrew Marvell
i tot of opening this blog again when the clock struck 12 and the year change to 09. but well maybe i jus cant wait that long. it has been quite while when i actualli made this blog private. well. it was in hope that someone out there will eventually ask. but i dun have the courage u see. well. nah.. that the past.. my diary is filled and now back to my blog.. where poeple can read and feel or understand why im behaving such a way in any moment of the day.. well.. 2008 was a blessed, sad, and happy year. it was a year when i feel and experince wats reality is all about. i felt how it feels lik to have problems. problem that i had heard of but never realise or experience. i felt how it was lik to be in a group. i felt how it was lik to feel left out. i felt how it was lik to feel alone. and i fekt how it was lik to b in love. i remember how it was lik to be poly for the first tym. how it was lik to feel as an adult in this world. i meet the precious people in my life: my friends, my backbone. they were there through my darkest days. days when i feel alone and days when i feel that the whole world was against me. they were there to give me the very support that i needed to move forward. these are my friendssss.. i believe that they know who they are.. you people are the most blessed. i will not forget all those happiness tat u had given me. i will not forget... i hope you guys are given the best in life and the life after.
well... once i was an alien... i was from planet zoofllof. where i was alone.. waiting for someone to fill up tis emptiness. and i tot.. i keep telling myslef lies after lies.. saying that yes.. someone will come to hold me tight. but no.. thats jus my dream. 3 weeks of holidays and 3 weeks of praying has put me in my place.. i am a person that doesnt deserve such a heavenly things. with all my sins and my wrongdoing.... i donot deserve the love from others... that is why whenever i keep my hope high it will always crash down onto the rough floor. whenever i hope something will happen.. it never does. my dreams will remain jus a dream.. coz i knw now... that in reality and in the real world i deserve nothing.. and now i know.. i will not hope for a warmth secure hug.. coz even a finger will be far frm happening. and now i say this to anione and everyone who will or is reading this post... do watever u like to me even kill me... coz i know now.. that i deserve wat u will do or giv me. if you wanna think of me.. think of me when u are planning on doing something.. if not... jus put ur finger on ur lips and pretend nth happen.. that is the best i can hope for.. i know that i dont deserve to ask.. but i hope this is the last that my family and frens can do. go out... have fun wif your frens... enjoy life.... when yourselves more this tym... dont think of me when you are having fun okay... hehe...
i have been wif death... and death told me one thing. when ask about things. answer that you dont know... and i will do such a thing.. even if i make me look stupid or irritating i will say i dont know..
from now till he day upon which death visit me again.. i will say i dont know. i will stop negotiating. coz death tell me that its not worth it. i will stop wanting coz death tell me that i will not get it in my life. i will smile coz death tell me that it will bring me closer to GOD.and my heart was ur kingdom... ask me not whether i love you... ask yourslelf....come to me when love is not therefor you.coz i will teach youan ancient secretwhere love willfill ur "heart"...to all those that read this post...weee..